Alternative Takes: Time to burn the Boogie-Brow marriage down

The old saying goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” but this is America, and in America, we build things in 24-hour time spans like nobody’s business.

Take the New Orleans Pelicans, who recently embarked on the most ambitious of construction projects. As the league moves further and further beyond the 3-point line, the New Orleans felt it was appropriate to tear down their perimeter presence and center their team around two big men who occasionally shoot well from outside.

Long story short, consider the Golden State Warriors a fad.

The New Orleans’ diabolical scheme to get swept in the first round came to fruition just moments after the All-Star game (RECAP: Durant and Westbrook passed the ball to each other) when DeMarcus “Boogie” Cousins was traded from the Sacramento to the New Orleans for the future Steph Curry (Buddy Hield) and a host of used bandages, thus creating the league’s third “Super Team”.

BACK TO THE QUOTE.

“Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

But the New Orleans dynasty doesn’t even need a day to be built if you have Boogie and Anthony “The Brow” Davis on the same court. That’s too much human flesh that came in contact with John Calipari for any opposing team to handle. Add John Wall and we’ll have to create a new league for the Pelicans.

BACK TO THE QUOTE.

“Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

New Orleans not only had a day to figure out how to capture a quick Larry O’Brien, but they had three days to work out all the kinks. That’s 72 hours with two unstoppable forces of nature.

And when I say unstoppable forces of nature, I’m talking about unstoppable to the power of infinity because Boogie and Brow counterbalance each other in style of play and personality to perfection.

Despite developing an outside game — and actually shooting a higher percentage from beyond the arc than Brow this season — Boogie is the quintessential enforcer down low. He has what Davis doesn’t have: A mean bone in his body. Boogie will block your shot, grab your rebound, outlet that pass, dunk you into a perpetual poster and throw shade at your mother along the way. He’ll get a technical, but he won’t care.

Brow, on the other hand, can take a game over in ways Boogie can’t, thanks to his ball-handling skills. He’s the more gifted player and also showcases more emotional control, a vital asset in a sport where emotions run high. When Boogie is going off his rocker, Brow can act as the perfect counterbalance and calm his fellow superstar down with his soothing deep voice.

Given what I just described, the 23rd of February was a guaranteed feast. Boogie and Brow were going to maul James Harden’s beard into oblivion and execute at such a supreme level that league commissioner Adam Silver had no choice but to cancel the season.

And what happened on Feb. 23?

Houston 123, New Orleans 99

Adding mean words to an instance of being injured, New Orleans followed its debut dud with a 13-point loss to Dallas a couple of nights later. In case you haven’t heard, Mark Cuban owns the Mavericks and is slowly becoming my least favorite investor on Shark Tank. Cubes, leave Chris Sacca alone. Just because he’s from Silicon Valley and is a cowboy shirt enthusiast doesn’t make him deserving of your scoldings.

Sad.

But if those two losses weren’t enough, New Orleans lost its third straight game of the Boogie-Brow era against the Thunder, a team led by the league’s premier psychopath/collector of empty stats. To make matters worse, Boogie picked up his 18th technical foul, resulting in a one-game suspension.

His nickname is Boogie for reasons I don’t know, but if I were a fan of New Orleans, I’d be scared. Their only win has come in the game that Cousins was suspended.

The coveted 8th seed is suddenly out of reach. It’s time for the Pelicans to blow this thing up. And they must do it before it’s too late because we’ve seen this movie before and trust me it isn’t “Citizen Kane” or “Get Out.” We’ve all witnessed Super Teams falter early, only for ownership to act in a ridiculously patient way.

Just look at the Miami’s Big Three (which became the Big Two in 2011 and eventually the Big One in 2012), who scored eight points in its first quarter together and started 9-8 in its first 17 games. Why didn’t Pat Riley pull the plug? I don’t know, but he should have.

Then this year’s the Golden State? You have Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green and Kevin Durant paired with Zaza Pachulia and you lose to the San Antonio, a team who is highly experienced and have developed chemistry, by 29 points in the season opener? You are a team that went 73-9 a season ago and already have your 10th loss in the 60th game of the season?

Sad.

The New Orleans Pelicans are at the point of no return. The experiment is a miserable failure with no hope of repair. In an 82-game season, a three-game sample is more than enough to accurately tweet a team’s fate.

TRIVIA:

How many games did the Cleveland win in a row to win the chip last June?

Three.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Tom Benson, owner of the Pelicans, I have three words for you: BURN. IT. DOWN.

Edited by Quinn Pilkey

Featured image by Michael Tipton, courtesy of CreativeCommons.org