Former Vol football player and Houston Texan icon Arian Foster recently claimed he could kill a wolf with his bare hands.
It’s evident that Foster is fulfilling the prophecy of a professional athlete: Once you’ve reached the pantheon of physicality, the only way to one-up your athletic accomplishments is by killing a wolf with your bare hands.
It might seem like a ludicrous proposition, but check out Foster’s logic:
i’m 230, wolfs are what, 180-200 tops? he has no thumbs. if i control his neck he’s dunzo. https://t.co/j9vf2knwqI
— Feeno (@ArianFoster) March 5, 2017
Before we dive further into this topic, can we please give the man some credit for this tweet? It’s jam-packed with abstract lettering (check out the lowercase “i”) and wordplay reminiscent of a James Joyce novel (“wolfs” and “dunzo”). It deserves way more than 1,550 likes.
But, I digress.
Now that we know Foster can kill a wolf with his bare hands — he’s clearly thought the conflict out to its furthest extent — we must now search for Foster’s protégé. Because Myles Garrett and Derek Barnett are so often compared, this insinuates the sports world is attempting to determine which most likely to kill a wolf with his bare hands.
There are approximately two aspects of defensive line play that matter to NFL scouts: SEC sack count and the ability to kill a wolf with bare hands.
Barnett already has the SEC sack count on lock down. It’s the only statistical measure that can accurately determine success. But in the black hole that is a professional athlete’s life post-retirement, which of the two is most likely to benefit society and kill a wolf with his bare hands?
Let’s break this down into the three traits that will matter most in a battle royale between man and wolf (or, as Foster would call it, a wolve). These traits are speed, strength and instincts. Don’t give me that motor crap. A wolf doesn’t care about your motor. Its motor is stronger than any human’s motor because the wolf’s natural attacking instinct is to kill with a level of precision and viciousness that no mere mortal — other than Foster — can understand. So no, Barnett’s persistence against Nebraska’s left tackle doesn’t matter here.
We’ll start by breaking down speed. A wolf can reach speeds of 37 miles per hour, which works out to a 40-yard dash time of 2.21 seconds. In my opinion, that’s fast. Meanwhile, Garrett posted a 40-time of 4.64, faster than Barnett’s 4.88 time. To be fair to Barnett, he was battling an illness, so let’s apply some Vol logic and give him a 40-yard dash time of 4.16.
Guess what, though? A wolf doesn’t care about fairness. So Barnett, BACK TO 4.88 FOR YOU!
Clearly, Garrett is faster, which gives him an inherent advantage over Barnett. With proper training from Foster, who is unquestionably faster than a wolf, Garrett can bring that 40-yard dash time down by more than two seconds easily.
Next, there’s strength.
Garrett posted a staggering 33 bench press reps of 225 pounds. Barnett didn’t participate in the bench press because he was too sick. I’ll go out on a limb and say Barnett wouldn’t reach 33, which leads me to believe Garrett has stronger muscles. A wolf’s bite applies 398 pounds of pressure per square inch. Obviously, Garrett has more to bite through than Barnett does.
Lastly, we have instincts.
This quality is hard to judge, but I’ll use my best friend, the SEC sack, to give you all an accurate determination.
The beauty of counting SEC sacks is that it not only determines NFL success, but it’s essentially an indication of everything else in life. Because Barnett achieved such a quantum number of SEC sacks (29 compared to Garrett’s 11), it’s safe to assume that his instincts are superior to Garrett’s.
Alright, let’s tally it up. Garrett won speed, that gives him one. Alright, Garrett also won strength, so he now has two points. But Barnett won instincts, so that gives him one. Time for the final tally.
Garrett: One…two…okay, two!
Hmm, interesting. The number two possesses a higher mathematical value than one. Therefore, Garrett, with a 2-1 advantage, wins, 2-1.
Arian Foster, we’ve found your man!
Edited by Nathan Odom
Featured image by Sumner Gilliam