Tennessee Volunteer deity and NFL-quarterback legend Peyton Manning revealed in a press conference on Friday his intention to become the next president of his alma mater, the University of Tennessee.
In a disclosed location open to a select few members of the media, Manning revealed his plan, known as his “Five-Step Drop and Beautiful Downfield Touchdown Pass to his Third Read” plan.
“I’ve had a lot of help coming up with this platform,” Manning said. “Actually, that’s not true. I really don’t care at all about other opinions. I call my own plays, and if someone wants to call a play for me, I’ll probably audible it.”
1) Every class to be held at Neyland Stadium simultaneously.
The capacity of Neyland Stadium is north of 102,000. As of the Fall 2015 semester, nearly 28,000 students are enrolled at the University of Tennessee. Add in the over 1,500 faculty members, then nearly one-third of Neyland Stadium would be full on weekdays.
In Manning’s proposal, each student and faculty member would have the same schedule, which, as a reporter suggested, would cause havoc, especially with parking.
“It might sound impractical and completely silly,” Manning said. “But if I am able to defy the laws of physics and give myself 25 hours in a day to study film, all while completely disregarding the existence of my wife and kids, then these lazy kids, who are all addicted to their Insta-Twitter-Chat, can navigate through a stadium and take classes outdoors.”
A reporter then asked Manning about an alternative plan if poor weather came into play.
“First of all, terrible question,” Manning politely opened. “Second of all, I played quarterback in the National Football League, and they never canceled a game because of a snow day, and our team bus was never delayed by a darn rain route. So again, these lazy kids are gonna have to suck it up.”
2) Peyton Manning statues to block each entrance of John C. Hodges Library.
Although not confirmed, the widespread assumption is that Manning will one day have a statue outside of Neyland Stadium. However, the Vol icon has other ideas when it comes to not only the location of the statue, but the amount of statues as well.
In his proposal, Manning details the construction and strategic placement of numerous 12-foot tall diamond statues, who will all reside and block every entrance to the John C. Hodges Library.
Manning was immediately asked why he is taking away one of the most popular study locations on campus and what good he believes will come out of this decision.
“I’m really starting to get ticked off at all these questions,” Manning said. “You’re supposed to support me no matter what I do. These kids need to realize that studying books will get them nowhere. Watch the film.”
“If you’re an English major, then find film on Edgar Allan Poe writing or something. Study his wrist motions, diction and pace. Tape doesn’t lie,” Manning said.
3) Ban on forehead jokes.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a… oh, it’s just Manning’s Jupiter-esque big red dot on his forehead,” said the soon-to-be banned student at UT.
Manning originally found humor in people poking fun at his red spot that formed on his forehead each time he removed his helmet, but now, he clearly doesn’t find it funny anymore after announcing that any insult thrown his way will result in severe punishments.
“I’m going to admit it. I’m a bit insecure about my forehead,” Manning said. “My mother says I’m handsome, my wife lies to me and tells me I’m handsome, and honestly, I can’t stand my forehead.”
Manning was asked which NFL quarterback had the best forehead. Immediately, his fists clinched and cheeks turned a volcanic red.
“Tom Brady has the best forehead,” Manning said. “Man… that guy beats me at everything.”
Punishment for breaking the rule includes a year-long academic probation, complete loss of meal plan and one letter grade being marked off in each class.
4) Any pizza place within a 15-mile radius of campus not named Papa John’s to be destroyed.
Manning and the pizza-delivery chain Papa John’s are synonymous with one another. Predictably, Manning proposes that every pizza place not named Papa John’s is to be removed and replaced by a Papa John’s.
However, a skeptical reporter asked whether Manning actually wanted to accomplish this goal, and insinuated that Papa John’s founder John Schnatter was holding him hostage.
“This is a clear hostage situation,” Manning said. “I don’t understand why everybody is okay with it because I really don’t like Papa John’s. I’d rather be part of authentic Italian food, such as Olive Garden.”
5) Enroll as a student and play quarterback permanently.
Manning graduated in 1998, but is more than willing to bend the rules to get back on the field. In fact, not only does Manning plan on playing for Rocky Top again, he plans on being a permanent fixture under center.
“I love Josh Dobbs,” Manning said. “But he clearly doesn’t understand how to run a Zebra Right 426 Flanker Post Yellow Umbrella Leggo my Eggo Midnight Trip to the Waffle House HB Screen 11 I-Pom Pom Nick-Nack Paddy-Wack Give a Dog a Bone Omaha Flare. These are simple plays, and when I saw him struggle with it, I knew there had to be a change.”
April Fools from the TNJN Sports staff.
Featured image courtesy of Jeffrey Beall
Edited by Nathan Odom